i've reached a point in life
where i think my job is really damn dispensible
redundant
in fact, i've never thought much abt my appointment

they call it company 3IC
which means the 3rd in command basically
but sometimes
it just doesn't help
if u have equal experience as ur colleague
n given a higher appointment

anyway
i trained to be a platoon commander
it sucks to later not be able to apply what u use
n be confident abt it
it ends up that i have to take up a role i haven never been taught
a role anyone can take
a role that everyone can overrule n overwhelm
a role that has not much decision to make
but have to find others for decision
a role that is last minute created due to excess officers
a role that makes u feel SPARE

yeap that's me n my role

well sometimes i do feel myself itchy backside
if u give me a responsibility
don't expect me to sit still n let nothing happen
i'll go look for soemthing to do, something to settle
sitting down n wait is not my kind
but turns out
this role
u have to sit n wait sometimes
n it sucks to c things getting in ur way
but u can't make immediate decisions
cos though i'm the 3rd in command
conflict with 1st n 2nd in command still stands
yeap
n so wad is there to command after all?

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life is starting to become a bore
no motivation
no life
no sharing
no feeling of someone concerned abt u

it can be environment
it can be inner self

but in any case
there's no drive,
no purpose
productivity is all time low
memory is all time least
i guess its a form of depression
but something that we normally don't recognise.

i needa find back that stimulant
........soon